I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
