The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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