Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
porn star boner night. come get it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
