I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
