i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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