At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
