Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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