Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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