Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
