This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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