our cab driver is having phone sex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
