my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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