Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
