i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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