you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
