Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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