i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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