My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
