I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
