There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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