theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize