I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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I have feelings that need drinking.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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