6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
