I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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