Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I looked at my own cervix.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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