Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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