Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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