Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
