Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
