hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
