she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
