Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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