i think my tv is drunk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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