nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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