Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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