I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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