she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
