Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
