Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
