ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
