i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
