why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
