cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
