mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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