Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You took a bar mat shot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
