What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
