I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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