i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just want nice things and good sex
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
