I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
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hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
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The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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