The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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