she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
