Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
