i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
