I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
