her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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