i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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