Fine. I'll sleep in my office
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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