as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
